Kaikoura – a lot happens in a place where nothing happens.
On the North-East coast of New Zealand’s South Island is a small town living in the humble shadows of the Kaikoura Mountain Ranges. Like the mountains, the town is named Kaikoura, which in Māori means “Competitively Priced Whale Watching Tours”. Kaikoura is a docile place, where the residents seem to amble about, inefficiently-paced, doing whatever it is they do in Kaikoura. As a place it’s reminiscent of the sentimental mountain towns of North America that ghost-hunting kids seemed to live in in the 80s. As a wide-eyed traveller willing to earmark any and all funds for a ruddy good time, Kaikoura is a big ol’ bucket list tick-off.
Less than a mile offshore lies an underwater ravine, tres deep and overflowing (literally) with aquatic life. The Kaikoura Canyon is hidden beneath gallons and gallons and gallons of salty turquoise earth juice. It was formed by the sliding of two rival tectonic plates – the well respected Indo-Australian plate and the lesser-known Hikurangi Plateau plate. Nature’s turf war created something beautiful and bountiful. At its deepest the canyon is over 1.2km below snorkel level, and the damn thing stretches out over 60km! Fish, plankton, mammals and tourists all like to congregate around the canyon, albeit for vastly different reasons. The cold water that flows along the bottom of the trench pushes up a shit-tonne of nutrients for the bigger boys to feast on, whilst the synthetic rubber wearing humans flap about, giddily singing to the dolphins.
There’s more to been seen than just dolphins above the sub-aquatic trench. On a typical day one is also likely to see giant sperm whales, world-renowned for their massive sperm… There’s fur seals and albatrosses to be spotted all throughout the year as well. More rarely seen animals include killer whales, humpback whales and blue whales – these big swimmers only come out to play at certain times. A boat trip to see the wonders of the deep isn’t too expensive from what I can remember, but if you want to swim alongside them it’s gonna cost ya. Do it. It doesn’t matter. Remove any excuse you can conjure up in your head and quite literally dive in. Have crackers for dinner instead. Don’t buy your parents an overpriced souvenir that they’ll just put in the never-drawer anyway. Sell your children. Whatever you have to do, do. Playing with dusky dolphins in their own habitat is unforgettable, and managing to hold down a squeaky chat with them makes you feel like Aquaman. That, and my rippling 8 pack.
Out of the water, Kaikoura is great too. For such a small town it has a lot to offer. It has an outdoor pool – I know, fancy. As ever in New Zealand, there are some crackin’ walking trails, beaches and viewpoints. The Kaikoura Trotting Club is also a thing, and they host the annual Kaikoura Races, where humans, horses and an abundance of marine life fight to the death for regional domination. Not really, it’s a derby day for lazy jockeys riding chariots around a track. There’s also a supermarket…
Visit Kaikoura and get drunk off Goon and have sex in a communal hostel shower. Or, swim with the dolphins.
"Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael…"
"I can jump through a hoop and catch a fish in my mouth!"
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